A couple of weeks ago I completed chemotherapy treatment #37 … 27 of which are called maintenance treatments … which basically means we eliminated one of the harsher chemo drugs from the mix after the first ten treatments.

Chemotherapy is frequently at odds with your complete blood counts, also known as CBCs.  Through about 17 months, this was not a major issue for me … but in recent months my platelet counts have been suffering a bit.

My oncologist will not administer chemotherapy treatment if my platelet counts are below 70.  Recently I have gone in a couple of times, got my port catheter hooked up, drawn blood for CBCs … only to then discover my platelet counts were too low.

I have taken a number of three week breaks (my typical cycle is chemo every two weeks) – even took a four week break – but even with a four week break my platelet counts were just barely high enough to get chemo.

Since my colostomy is considered an open wound, the low platelet counts also provide some challenges from that regard as well.

Sleep is typically very fleeting the week to 10 days following chemo … and nothing … including medications seem to help me sleep.  Still looking to find some solutions here … but its been a struggle …

For all of 2012 my weight was consistently right around 230 pounds, but in the first five months of this year I have lost 10-13 pounds depending on when I weigh.

But every CT scan (conducted approximately every two months) has either shown no growth in the cancer or some shrinkage … both are always good news.

Still working and being somewhat productive at work which is a big PRAISE GOD … no real serious encounters with chemo brain yet … hopefully that will continue.

Peripheral neuropathy, which was a problem a year ago, has disappeared completely from my finger tips – and only shows up in my feet and toes briefly after chemo.

The biggest problem I have struggled with the past three of four months has been fatigue … and my oncologist really couldn’t give me any good advice for fighting it.  It was extremely draining … most mornings it took every ounce of effort to get out of bed … even at 10am.

In about the last week to ten days I have been finally coming out of it … what I didn’t realize was that I was struggling with something called Cancer Related Fatigue or CRF. (Go to the hyperlinked article for more details).

A few excerpts from the webpage:

“Fatigue is a daily lack of energy; an unusual or excessive whole-body tiredness, not relieved by sleep.  It can be acute (lasting a month or less) or chronic (lasting 1 month to 6 months or longer).  Fatigue can have a profound negative impact on a person’s ability to function and quality or life.”

Believe me when I say I relate to that … and I’m thankful it looks like mine is coming to an end … BW

“Cancer-related fatigue (CRF – sometimes simply called ‘cancer fatigue’) is one of the most common side effects of cancer and its treatments.  It is often described as ‘paralyzing’.  Usually it come on suddenly, does not result from activity or exertion, and is not relieved by rest or sleep.  It may not end – even when treatment is complete.”

Paralyzing … absolutely … BW

“The exact reason for cancer fatigue is unknown.  CRF may be related to both the disease process and treatments including surgery, chemotherapy and radiation therapy.”

I’m just thankful my wife found this article … it helps to be informed … and it is even more of a blessing to be coming out of it.

Let the journey continue Lord … let the journey continue…

Bernie

From the get go, let me boldly say this is not something I in anyway am advocating … it is absolutely counter Christ …

Nevertheless, in the midst of a silent six hour drive yesterday I sensed the Lord revealing to me that in my mind I am frequently returning to some sinful moments throughout my nearly sixty years and remembering them with fondness … and I need to look upon my sin – past, present and future – through the eyes of Jesus, through the blood of Jesus and through the work of the cross.  I need to see sin as God sees sin.

Repent therefore, and turn again, that your sins may be blotted out,that times of refreshing may come from the presence of the Lord, and that he may send the Christ appointed for you, Jesus,whom heaven must receive until the time for restoring all the things about which God spoke by the mouth of his holy prophets long ago.  Acts 3:19-20 (ESV)

Don’t misunderstand … through the blood of Christ my sins – past, present and future – are blotted out.  There is nothing I can do to blot them out.  But I do believe … that when in my memory I revisit sinful moments of my life without a true disdain for that sin, I am hindering the refreshing that the Lord longs to give through His presence.

Repentance means that one makes a 180 degree turn … a turn away from sin and a turn to God.  Quite frequently we often teach it is more important to turn from sin … but quite frankly if you don’t turn to God first, there is no hope of turning from sin.  Lord, help me truly repent of my past sins!!!

It seems like this next verse reveals Paul’s concern with how a believer deals with sins of the past …

I fear that when I come again my God may humble me before you, and I may have to mourn over many of those who sinned earlier and have not repented of the impurity, sexual immorality, and sensuality that they have practiced.  2 Corinthians 12:21 (ESV)

Sometimes we simply equate repentance with a forgiveness of sins and a battle with future sin … but I believe what the Lord desires is so much deeper than that and should impact our entire attitude toward sin – past, present and future.

Paul was very aware of the dilemma we are faced with …

For we know that the law is spiritual, but I am of the flesh, sold under sin.  For I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate.  Now if I do what I do not want, I agree with the law, that it is good.  So now it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.   For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out.   For I do not do the good I want, but the evil I do not want is what I keep on doing.   Now if I do what I do not want, it is no longer I who do it, but sin that dwells within me.  So I find it to be a law that when I want to do right, evil lies close at hand.   For I delight in the law of God, in my inner being,   but I see in my members another law waging war against the law of my mind and making me captive to the law of sin that dwells in my members.   Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death?   Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh I serve the law of sin.  Romans 7:14-35 (ESV)

Lord, give me a divine hatred of sin. 

And thanks be to God for my deliverance through Jesus Christ our Lord indeed!

I take comfort in this victory promise and the work of Christ …

Everyone who believes that Jesus is the Christ has been born of God, and everyone who loves the Father loves whoever has been born of him.  By this we know that we love the children of God, when we love God and obey his commandments.  For this is the love of God, that we keep his commandments. And his commandments are not burdensome.  For everyone who has been born of God overcomes the world. And this is the victory that has overcome the world—our faith.  Who is it that overcomes the world except the one who believes that Jesus is the Son of God?  1 John 5:1-5 (ESV)

Author and Perfector of faith … give me a heart of true repentance and strengthen my faith, strengthen my faith Lord!

Your prayers appreciated!!!

Bernie

For me, the seeds of discontent came in the guise of books by Christian authors I was reading on leadership, self-improvement and success.  Now before I get too far on this post, I must share a disclaimer before you begin to make assumptions.  In this post, I am not blaming the authors.  The fault … the responsibility … for what we read and what we embrace falls upon the reader.

I have no doubt that what the authors share (much like what I share on this blog) is indeed a reflection … a roadmap so to speak … of what they have personally encountered in their journey with Christ Jesus. Their target audience (although sometimes this can become a big vague) are those that share in similar gifts, similar purposes and a similar journey.

The problem can begin when one who does not share in those similarities begins to try to embrace that message … a message that may not necessarily be what God has intended for him or her.  One aspect of their message is of a motivational nature in which they are attempting to move you out of the status quo by casting doubt and questioning your journey prior to reading their book or hearing their message.

And thus the seeds of discontent begin to be sown …

Typically most of these books are focused on a certain aspect of your life … oftentimes more a talent than a gift … but in my case the discontent of those seeds spread like kudzu throughout all aspects of my life … and I found myself in the midst of a real faith struggle … because I chose to embrace the word of men more than the word of God.

My problem from time to time is that I have pursued the higher calling at the neglect of the calling found right in the midst of the circumstances and relationships in which God has prepared beforehand and placed me in the midst …

Consider the following passages of Scripture in context of each other …

Now there are varieties of gifts, but the same Spirit.  And there are varieties of ministries, and the same Lord.  There are varieties of effects, but the same God who works all things in all persons.  But to each one is given the manifestation of the Spirit for the common good.  1 Corinthians 12:4-7 (NASB)

And then obviously the passage on greater gifts …

Now you are Christ’s body, and individually members of it.  And God has appointed in the church, first apostles, second prophets, third teachers, then miracles, then gifts of healings, helps, administrations, various kinds of tongues.  All are not apostles, are they? All are not prophets, are they? All are not teachers, are they? All are not workers of miracles, are they?  All do not have gifts of healings, do they? All do not speak with tongues, do they? All do not interpret, do they?  But earnestly desire the greater gifts. And I show you a still more excellent way.  1 Corinthians 12:27-31 (NASB)

So I challenge each one reading this post to weigh what I have written against Scripture … either the above or whatever you sense as pertinent …

I also challenge you to exercise great discernment in your selection of the material and the authors you read.

We should long for the greater gifts … but ALL gifts in the body of Christ are essential.  What’s probably more important is understanding what your spiritual gifts are and how they fit within the local and greater body of Christ …

After all, it’s Christ-esteem not self-esteem that matters.

It’s not simply the value that you or any other man sees within you, but who you are and are becoming IN Christ Jesus in the midst of your salvation journey!

Has anyone in the blogosphere experienced what I have described above?  What did you learn?

The weeds of discontent have just about all been removed and the soil is prepared for the next leg of the journey Lord … lead on!

Bernie

Discontent is defined as a longing for something better than the present situation.

I’ll let Paul offer the Biblical definition of contentment …

But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong. 2 Corinthians 2:9-10 (ESV)

And Paul expands upon his description …

Not that I am speaking of being in need, for I have learned in whatever situation I am to be content.  I know how to be brought low, and I know how to abound. In any and every circumstance, I have learned the secret of facing plenty and hunger, abundance and need.  I can do all things through him who strengthens me.  Philippians 4:11-13 (ESV)

Not only are we to content in all circumstances, we are also called to give thanks in ALL circumstances … for this is the will of God IN Christ Jesus for you and for me.

Rejoice always, pray without ceasing, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you.  1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 (ESV)

Note that with contentment comes great gain in godliness …

Now there is great gain in godliness with contentment, for we brought nothing into the world, and we cannot take anything out of the world.  But if we have food and clothing, with these we will be content.  1 Timothy 6:6-8 (ESV)

But then that brings us to the outcome for the malcontent … a person who is discontent … some very powerful words from the first sixteen verses of Jude chapter 1 … words that reveal the malcontent has characteristics of ungodliness and is driven by sinful desires.

Lest we forget … the predicament of mankind … and the work of Christ Jesus the will of God prompted … came about because Adam and Eve were not content with the perfect situation that God had placed them both in … their discontent prompted the acts of a malcontent and broke the trust … the faith relationship that existed between God, Adam and Eve before the forbidden fruit was eaten.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the LORD God had made.He said to the woman, “Did God actually say, ‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’?”  And the woman said to the serpent, “We may eat of the fruit of the trees in the garden,  but God said, ‘You shall not eat of the fruit of the tree that is in the midst of the garden, neither shall you touch it, lest you die.’”  But the serpent said to the woman, “You will not surely die.
5 For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.”  So when the woman saw that the tree was good for food, and that it was a delight to the eyes, and that the tree was to be desired to make one wise, she took of its fruit and ate, and she also gave some to her husband who was with her, and he ate.  Genesis 3:1-6 (ESV)

And that so accurately reflects what I have been going thru … for the last few months I have not been content in all circumstances and I have certainly not been giving thanksgiving in all circumstances … which reveal glimpses of ungodliness and sinful desires in my life … and a broken faith.

But it is not a faith that is irreparable … Christ Jesus is the author and perfector of faith …  I can do all things through him who strengthens me.

And for that I am beyond thankful Lord.

Lord willing, in the next week I will share how those seeds of discontent crept in my life … how I planted them.

Til then … may the Lord bless you and yours!

Bernie

No inspiration … no blog entries.

That’s not to say its God’s fault … not at all.  The blame lies entirely at my feet (or perhaps I should say in my heart).

As Hebrews 11:6 reveals, without faith it is impossible to please God.

And as Paul warned the Thessalonians, “Do not quench the Holy Spirit.” (1 Thessalonians 5:19).

About 5 or 6 weeks ago, the worries and anxieties of life in this world gave birth to a good dose of fear and doubt and subsequently a struggle of the faith began.  After 18-19 months of dealing with chemo, living with cancer and coping with a colostomy bag; trusting God in all that just seemed like more than I was willing to do.  Then to top it off a person I hold in extremely high regard questioned whether or not my faith was one of the head instead of the heart.

And the quenching of the Holy Spirit began.

When you enter such a chosen and embraced state of mind, you question and doubt everything.  My life has typically developed into a two week routine of family, church and work with chemotherapy as bookends … all that I started questioning.  And everyone knows it can be but a short leap from seeing a routine as a rut.  And as I once heard a pastor say from the pulpit, a rut is but a grave with no ends.

Are you getting a sense of where I’ve been?  Have you ever been there?

Going through such a struggle tends to get you to pull out the white hat and black mask and once again become the Lone Ranger … when in reality that is the last thing you need … withdrawal from your Christian brothers and sisters only makes it easier for the enemy to ensnare you and hold you captive longer.  And where once hope happily resided, despair began its eviction and indwelling.

You have to admire Peter … he got out of the boat and walked on water.  And as soon as he began to sink … he cried out ‘Lord, save me.’ (Matthew 14:30) And IMMEDIATELY Jesus reached out his hand and took hold of him. (Matthew 14:31).   And even though Jesus questioned Peter’s faith, Peter knew who could save him and he didn’t hesitate to call out for rescue.

Over the last six weeks, put me in that situation and I am floundering and struggling to keep my head above water and still trying to figure out ways to save myself … while the whole time the Lord is sitting there patiently watching over me, waiting for me to call out to Him … which eventually …. I did.

Even though I had wandered off like any other lost sheep, Jesus is still my Shepherd and He lay down his life that I might have life … His life eternal … in the here and now as well as the hereafter.  And we all need to remember that not one of us that the Father has given Jesus will be lost … not one.

For this wandering sheep, the turn of repentance has begun … but there are still many miles in the journey made up of many steps of faith.

For those of you who have challenged me face-to-face, left comments on the blog, e-mailed me, phoned me and prayed for me … thank you for your concern, encouragement and love.  You have been used of God to pull this brother out of the quagmire he was building around himself … thanks again.

As the author and perfector of faith Lord, I ask You to restore and increase my faith … a faith of the heart.

And I thank you Father for Your steadfast love and saving faithfulness!

Bernie

So I spent a few sleepless hours last night considering and meditating upon my strengths, my passions and the sweet spots where they may intersect …

My initial thoughts are that my greatest strengths are …

• writing
• teaching
• encouraging

And my initial thoughts on my greatest passions are …

• opening people’s hearts to Scripture and the life application of Scripture
• sharing what God is doing in and thru me during my cancer journey
• challenging those diagnosed with cancer not to give up hope and to fix their eyes on Jesus

Which brings me to the intersection points between my strength and passions … my sweet spot …

• this blog
• men’s small group

That leaves me with a strength and a passion that has yet to find its sweet spot …

• strength … encouragement
• passion … challenging those diagnosed with cancer not to give up hope and to fix their eyes on Jesus

Now all I have to do is figure out how to bring that strength and passion together in a sweet spot …

Thoughts, guidance and advice appreciated.

Bernie

In the midst of the teaching, Ken talked about something called the sweet spot.  The sweet spot is defined as the intersection point of your greatest strength and your greatest passion.

So four days later (it’s been a hectic week) I am wrestling with the question …

What’s my sweet spot?

And am I living in the midst of my sweet spot?

Maybe you already know your sweet spot and are living happily in the midst of it … but my life is at 21,749 days and counting (with kudos to Robert D Smith and his book 20,000 Days and Counting) and it seems like it might be about time to understand what my sweet spot is … which starts with understanding what my greatest strength and greatest passion is.

How about you?  Do you know your sweet spot, greatest strength and greatest passion?

Considering, meditating and praying …

Bernie